Journal Entry: Fri Feb 22, 2013, 9:31 PM
is an emotion, a state of being, that comes to me more than anything else. Why, just now I was happily pretending my homework didn't exist, and now I am sitting here seething. It literally keeps me awake. It makes me feel like I am rotting from the inside. How do I live with such a thing every day? My god, it lasts, it has the potential to out last a cockroach should the world be destroyed in nuclear turmoil. And it will.
A week or two ago, I felt this rage again, maybe stronger than it is now. We were writing a journal, the prompts was to describe love, and I feel like I can't sleep tonight until I type a bit (just a bit) from it.
- Sometimes I let myself love people. It is hard for me. People think of me as their friend because we talk, share food, have similar interests... these things mean nothing to me. And they mean nothing to me.
There are only two extremes when it comes to my relationships with people. Either I love you unconditionally, enjoy every moment with you, OR I hate you stronger than I will ever have the ability to love.
Some people I love, and I am lucky enough that they stay in my heart for ever.
And sometimes I cast those very same people into a dark pit of hatred. This stays in my heart too, and weighs it much heaver.
But that only happens when something gets inside of them, hollows them out. They look the same on the outside, but on the inside they have molded and turned into a festering, slimy ooze. I know that they are only a shell of what they once were to me, that something grotesque inhabits them.
Something which deceives and takes the form of a loved one -something which hollows them out and pulls the strings- that is my hatred. That is the one thing in this world that I hate with such a blind passion that it weighs me down like a cinder block in an ocean. It might be something unseen, but it can also be something real
(though not really).
It should not be illegal to annihilate such a thing. It would be a mercy, for me and that person. I feel as if I will never feel true happiness until that thing is gone from this world; Is gone in such a way which makes it so that it never was, past, present, and future.
People say that it is something I should just get over, something I should ignore and forget. But I can't, and they will never understand that. I have only loved a few people in my life time, whether they be friend, love interest, family. Why should I ever just let go of the hatred I feel for the thing which has ruined such a rare thing for me? Why should I get over that which has brought such endless pain to me? And why should I not despise it for making hatred wrap its icy vines over my heart?
The people who I have loved have been cast into the pit of hatred.
There is no way out for them no matter how much I miss the person they once were.
It will always be this way.